absolutzo.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who wants to see this movie about a dolphin who gets a prosthetic tale…

[is on TV].

I was lucky enough to have free HBO in my last apartment, so I’ve seen it approximately….761 times.  But today, my friends, it’s on USA.  And even on pedestrian TV, I still love it.  Especially the part where Gigi shoves Chex Mix in her face because she’s awkward at the party.  Basically my life in a nutshell.

Remember my landlord fail situation?  Yes, I thought so. Not really.

So between that post and now, I left a really, really awkward voicemail in which I tried to sound mean and hostile and threatening, but probably just sounded like I was about to cry (because I was). 

Then, I contacted a sleezy plaintiff’s attorney who wanted to charge me $700. (What happened to contingency fees for the dark siders?)  Then I decided eff this, just because I moved out of Philly doesn’t mean I can’t send a supersuperserious piece of certified mail.  aka my 900th request for el landlordo to return my security deposit.  So I did.  With delivery confirmation.

And guess what I came home to today?  My security deposit!  But there’s a hitch: today is the day he received my letter, so he clearly sent it before he got it.  I HATE MURPHY’S LAW. 

The end.

Oh, except, one more thing.  If your landlord ever pulls this crap (aka theft) on you, don’t give up.  It takes a little persistence and diligent record keeping on your part.  But you can probably make it worth your while: In PA, if your landlord doesn’t return your deposit or else provide you with a list of expenses it’s being used on within 30 days of your move-out, you are able to recover DOUBLE your deposit, and your LL waives any right to claim damages to the property.  So, yea…just saying.  But I really hope none of you run into that scenario anytime soon.

I’m almost 28 (I don’t want to talk about it), and realized as I was sitting in the dermo’s office today that some things really have not changed since I was 18 (e.g. sitting in the dermatologist’s office).

For instance…

• My parents are still so weird. (Except that now I can kinda sorta love them for it.)
• I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.
• And still cry at the drop of a hat.
• Still have no clue who sings that song that is always playing on the radio and at bars. Still pretend I do.
• The Pigs are still irreplaceable.
• Still impossible for me to justify buying non-drugstore mascara.
• Olives are still disgusting.
• I still subconsciously decide who’s a mean girl the minute I meet them.  As in, happened last weekend.  (ps I’m usually right about those ones…)
• Still absolutely terrible at leaving voicemails.
• Still believe in happily ever after.  I guess that’s not so bad?

[I can’t remember who recently posted something similar, but let me know if it was you so I can give you credit!]

I’ve been waiting in the doctor’s office for over half an hour. TG for iPhones.

Can I listen to this song on repeat all night?

It’s true.

While mine had its ups and downs, the most impressive thing I have to report is running an entire 10K this morning with a BAC of approximately 1.0.  Kids, I was sweating pure booze.  Not sure how I made it. In 57 minutes, nonetheless.

So, once again, I find myself spending my Sunday making resolutions for health and wellness and detoxing and better decisions and getting my life together.  Pretty much a weekly tradition.  You know…like, I’m going to change 100 things about my life THIS week, starting TOMORROW.  Yup.

dcdecoder:

They’re from Canada.  They say they loathe US Tea Party politics.  But they’ve owned the domain teaparty.com since 1995, and now they could make a bundle off it.   

• How To Act Like A 24-Year-Old
• What Five Ex-Boyfriends Wrote On My Facebook Page On My Birthday
• How To Get Dumped (So You Don’t Have To Dump Him)
• In Defense of Radiohead
• In Defense of Alanis Morissette
• In Defense of Elton John
• In Defense of Pavement
• In Defense of T.A.T.U.
• Why Flying First-Class Is Awesome
• The Five Types Of Guys Who Will Rape You
• Why Joan Didion Only Writes For Me
• Ten Songs I Ironically Had Sex To
• What Your Favorite Movie Should Be On Your OKCupid Profile
• How To Act Like A White Person When You’re Not White
• Five Famous Actors I Would Have Unprotected Sex With
• Five Neighborhoods You Should Not Carry A Designer Bag In
• The Times That I Left My Underwear At A Guy’s House
• Stuff To Say To Your Dying Grandfather
• How I Think She Does It
• So What If I Dress This Way In Order To Ask For It?
• How To Flirt With A Doctor
• How To Flirt With A Bartender
• How To Flirt With A MTA Employee
• How To Flirt With A Cop
• How To Flirt With A Judge
• When You Should Do Cocaine
• Can You Believe I Was Born in 1992?
• How To Pretend You Went To An Ivy League University
• The Straightest Places I’ve Ever Had Gay Sex
• Why Gay Guys Are The Worst
• Who Is Joni Mitchell, Anyway?
• I Think I’m The Only Person Who Really Likes The Spice Girls
• The Three Types Of Lesbians There Are
• Why Northern Exposure Is A Good Show
• There Is No Such Thing As A Guilty Pleasure But I Still Feel Guilty
• Remembering AIM
• I Am Turning 24 And I Feel So Old

Really.

I’m too old to be doing it at the ‘mat, too impatient to do it 1 load at a time in my apt building (and have my downstairs neighbor take it out the second it’s done), too cheap to pay for wash and fold (especially because, given how much it weighs….I could probably buy my own w/d for less), and too much of a clean freak to wear anything more than once before washing it.

I wish disposable clothing existed.

Ps- I’m at the ‘mat now. Death.

So many things to share/tell/show.  Ready?

1.  ZooBrew.  Amazing.  Hanging with tigers and bears and sharks.  While sampling approximately 984 types of beer [in a cute taster cup I was pumped to keep until I promptly lost it].  I probably tried closer to 15 or 20 beers, but it felt like 984.  Oy.  But before Saturday…the food was also amazing.  Tenders (the good chunky, peppery kind!), deep fried perogies (first time ever…yum), burgers, nachos, caramel popcorn, etc.  Free!  Unlimited!

The only small issue of the night was getting back from the zoo.  Katie and I may or may not have been stuck [in the middle of nowhere, really], wasted, debating between hitchhiking with drunk strangers or walking 1 mile through the woods, in the dark, to the closest “bus stop.”  (In Pittsburgh, cabs don’t really exist.  They do, but for all intents and purposes (yea, yea, I thought it was “intensive purposes” until a couple years ago…I know some of you did too), they don’t; they are generally an all around fail.)  So, to make a long story short…because of the generous, unlimited flow of beer, I decided $20 was an appropriate bribe (in addition to the fare) for a 19 year old text-while-you-drive cabbie to take us back to Shadyside.

2.  So, because I woke up wondering why the eff that was a good idea, I decided to return my strapless, hot red, faux-satin dress adorned with velvet flowers that I’d bought to wear on the Red Dress Run.  It cost $19.99.  So when I returned it, I really just erased my bad decision!

3.  Okay, the RDR was…interesting.  I can’t do the strangeness/awkwardness justice in words, but if you try to imagine 40 sexually unabashed, wildly dressed “drinkers with a running problem,” yelling and running and singing all over the Strip, trying to follow chalk marks on the road, that might be a good start.  Just a start, though.  We had fun, but bowed out early because it was just a little too strange for us.  But now I can say I’ve hashed!  (And to be fair, it’s sort of awesome to run and stumble upon a huge trash bag of ice cold beer and Pringles.  Right?)

4.  I won another game of rock paper scissors (and $2), which I apparently cannot stop playing when I’m out at bars. 

5.  I’m THIS close to trying the Perricone diet or something else made for people whose skin never got the memo puberty ended a decade ago.  Thoughts?  Suggestions?

6.  A few more random tidbits to leave you with…Do you get stressed out when you’re at a sale rack and someone else the same size is inching closer and closer to you, towards your spot on the rack?  Or, worse yet, they are one of those pushy shoppers who won’t move, and you have to move around them?  I do. 

Also, gas is expensive. Sort of missed/avoided that memo for the last 27.999 years, spent sans car.

And what is going on with Facebook?  I don’t like the “with” tagging. 

Modern Family….2 days.  Wahoo!

You know those awkward people/animal stickers that are on the back windshield of cars?   You make them resemble your own family… a mom, a dad, a daughter, a brother, and 2 cats?  Yea, you know what I’m talking about.  No offense if you have them, but please get rid of them.  I’ve always hated those, but now that I’m a driving commuter, I am engaging in a full scale campaign against them.

I’m really getting anxious about the bar.  Why didn’t I take it in a random, small state like Idaho so I wouldn’t have to wait a thousand years for the results?  Relatedly, I’m doing everything in my power to send out good karma into the world in the hopes that it will bring me a lil bit of luck.  (I know that’s not exactly how karma works, but I don’t care.)

Speaking of karma…I hope my former landlord realizes that being a total crapface to tenants does not go unpunished.  Mark my words, you thief. 

Finally, yay for new friends and happy Monday, a little bit late!  Have a great week :)