This is how I’ve been feeling lately…cold and tired and I’d rather lie on
a dog bed the floor than do work or apply to jobs or find a caterer for my wedding or do anything else I should be doing.
Apathy (or whatever else this is- boredom, lethargy, exhaustion with life choices, feeling clueless and stuck) is dangerous. It’s just so easy. And I can already feel how much it feeds on itself; it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more apathetic I feel about my job, the less energy I have to change my situation and the more hopeless I become about ever figuring out what to do next. So I do nothing except wait and think and wallow and complain.
It sounds so selfish and thankless and childish to go on like this, but this is really where I am. I’m going through all the who/what/where career soul-searching nonsense that I went through at 21, but this time with a lot more debt and responsibility and what feels like a lot fewer options. I never EVER imagined feeling as confused and unsure of myself at 30 as I did at 20, and I think that’s the hardest part for me to deal with.
I’ve committed to being more positive about what I DO have in my current job rather than focusing on all the negatives- I have health insurance and a steady paycheck, I can take vacation whenever I want, I’m well liked, I have an office with a door, I don’t have to pay my own cell phone bill, and I know how to walk the walk.
Not being happy professionally really wreaks havoc on one’s personal life too, which probably goes without saying. I haven’t been the partner or person or friend I want to be recently, and I need (and want) to try harder.
No more lying on the floor feeling sorry for myself.